Ministry and Your Family
Several years ago, my wife, Char Pelfrey, was asked to write a chapter for Tyndale Seminary Press. The chapter titled, An Open Letter to Pastors from a Pastor’s Wife, offers up some wisdom and insight to the ministry and the family. Below are some short excerpts from the chapter.
Biblical priorities…not just for parishioners
…There is no shortage of hurting people and significant projects in the ministry. If there is a church, there will be problems. A pastor with compassion can easily become overwhelmed with burden and the temptation to despair as he looks into the world through the eyes of the church and sees the need of others and all there is and could be to do. The needs of people and the church can weigh heavy on a sincere pastor’s mind and heart. That weight can and often does follow him home to trouble him there…confusing what is truly his “responsibility” versus what should be his “concern” for another’s responsibilities. A wise pastor will make a mental and physical transition as he walks into his home to become a focused, devoted husband and father, his first calling. I Tim. 4:16
Busyness vs. Godliness
“…While it is not humanly possible to experience at all times, rest and recreation are spiritual disciplines of the faith that all Christ-followers, especially those devoted to the ministry, must continually work toward as Christ conforms the believer daily into the image of His Son. There are occasions when the ministry will absorb an immense amount of time, energy, and thought during which the pastor will not be able to walk away and keep a routine schedule. Those times are to be expected, but they should be the exception, not the norm. A good exercise to view the balance between versus rest is to occasionally chart working hours, including visits, office and study time, trips and travel, including counseling in the office or on the phone, attending events, strategizing and providing for the diverse needs of the church. If a pastor is pulling unreasonable shifts week after week, he is out of balance and not in line with God’s plan for his responsibility to his family and himself.”
The Pastor’s wife (Not a Princess or a Pauper)
“…A pastor must guard his heart from the temptation to become the “hero” to the church members, allowing their praise and perceived need for him to meet his emotional needs and inflate his ego. Re: Colossians 3:23-25. A pastor should be cautious (as was built by design into his temperament) not to rescue the wrong “damsel in distress.” The gesture can be quite flattering to his deserving wife, but an emotional “rescue” from the pastor in a counseling setting, etc. to a vulnerable or /and carnal woman can let to sinful attachments, attraction, and eventual moral failure….”
Preacher’s Kids (Leftovers are for Pets)
“…Children in a pastor’s home have no special mandates. They should not be made to feel different, privileged, or responsible to a “role” put on them by their parents or church members. They should never be shamed into obedience because of what someone else might think or who their parents are. They are to love and obey God, honor their parents and submit to their authority like any other child because it pleases God. Because the pastor’s family is in the forefront of the congregation, they must guard against falling into the trap of people pleasing.”
“…A critical error easily made by pastors who are fathers is to postpone or even neglect the daily Biblical loving, molding, and instruction their children need (leaving it to their mother) because they are too busy or drained from the rigors of ministry…giving them the leftovers of time badly managed. A pastor does not have a Biblical disclaimer from his parental responsibilities because his schedule can be demanding…pouring his life into other families and abandoning his own. Often a pastor can be bodily home but mentally still at church, rehashing or troubled and irritable from the frustrations that come with ministry…”
“…The pastor’s home should be a nurturing, balanced, peaceful haven for children enabling them to love God and His church and enjoy their youth. Biblical principles should blow through the home like a gentle, refreshing breeze, not a tornado or stifling heat, reminding everyone inside that God’s ways are not only right but they are good. I Tim. 4:8
Jerry Pelfrey
Lead Pastor, Grace Baptist Church 1985-current