Pastoring Those Who Do Not Seem to Want to Be Pastored...
When I was 22 years old, I became a youth pastor at a largely geriatric church with a youth program that had recently imploded. There were about four or five teens who attended regularly and a smattering of others who did so sporadically. What surprised me, almost immediately, was the fact that some in such a small number did not want a relationship with me, nor spiritual guidance from me, and did not desire any change in their life.
I became the pastor of a small church when I was 26 years old. We had ten members and an average attendance of twenty. We were months away from closing (though they were not aware of that when they called me) and in need of revitalization. Would you believe that in such a small membership and attendance some did not want a relationship with me, nor spiritual guidance from me, and did not desire to change spiritually at all?
It was the summer before I turned 33 years old and I was contacted by a church that had been in decline for a few decades. They had just lost another one hundred members due to a staff departure and the attendance had dropped to its lowest point in 40 years. Upon accepting a call, we arrived to begin the work of revitalization with a group of six deacons who agreed to a transition plan. Would you believe...I imagine you can fill in the blank from above.
Each of these ministries was in very different places ministerially, geographically, numerically, and philosophically but each contained people who made it clear they did not want to be pastored.
What should be done with such people?
I know what I have heard from pastors during conversations and even at conferences about asking God for an "out-the-door revival" but that has consistently disturbed me.
I know I have heard others say to "live and let live" to make my life easier as a pastor.
I know I have heard to do all you can to rid the church of "toxic" people so you can accelerate your plans for growth.
With each of these ideologies, it leaves me asking myself the nagging question, "What does the Bible say?"
Paul taught an often timid Timothy about how to navigate such individuals and the congregation at large. At Ephesus, he was experiencing false teachers who had risen among the ranks of the membership and were creating strife. While Paul was "heavy-handed" at times (Rom. 16:17-"Now I beseech you, brethren, mark them which cause divisions and offences contrary to the doctrine which ye have learned; and avoid them."), he often called Timothy (and by default, pastors) to a ministry of patience and mercy. Pastors are called to practice proactive discipleship with members over time.
Consider 2 Timothy 2:24-26- "And the servant of the Lord must not strive; but be gentle unto all men, apt to teach, patient, In meekness instructing those that oppose themselves; if God peradventure will give them repentance to the acknowledging of the truth; And that they may recover themselves out of the snare of the devil, who are taken captive by him at his will."
There are those to whom we will minister to that are making choices that are in opposition to their spiritual betterment and therefore are creating friction with those in their lives (like us) who are seeking their spiritual well-being. Paul calls us to a ministry of gentleness, not anger. He calls us to teach them with temperance. He calls us to view them as spiritually in danger.
Or consider the classic verse on preaching later on in the letter in 4:2- "Preach the word; be instant in season, out of season; reprove, rebuke, exhort with all longsuffering and doctrine."
Pastors, we can easily gravitate to the "reprove, rebuke" section but did we miss the weight in the last part? We are called to teach, over time, and with patience.
These are just a few of the times Paul speaks to Christian leaders about the outlook they need to acquire concerning struggling brothers or sisters.
Granted, there are many passages dealing sternly with false teachers, unrepentant members, and anything else that might jeopardize Gospel unity, but often the need is for the focused effort through teaching over time.
What might help us when dealing with ministering to someone who does not want to be pastored?
They are a member of the family of God...or maybe they aren't. We must begin by asking ourselves about their eternal standing and treat them accordingly. We must put in the time to try and help them discern if they are a follower of Jesus or not. Sadly, the "unpastorable" may just be so because they are unregenerate.
They are in the family of God. If they have a testimony that is consistent with the biblical teaching of salvation through Jesus, then my obligation towards them is greater than my like or dislike of them. If they are a child of God then I must match my idea of them to God's value of them.
They are a frail sinner like me. It is easier for me to see how terrible their sin is while minimizing my own; though theirs might be more demonstrative, I am made of the same "stuff". It is embarrassing how often such basic theology seems to be missing from my outlook toward a struggling person.
They may be struggling with faith and sanctification issues like me. God's work in our lives is not always pleasant due to our flesh nature and we struggle; let's remember that they are growing and there is no perfect timetable for it.
Their issue with me or the church can often stem from another issue entirely. The guy who is under stress at work seeks control somewhere else. The lady whose marriage stinks weaponizes her hurt to demean others. The young adult who does not want to submit to God's work in their life labels the church as the problem. While the devil wants us to believe we or the church is the problem, it is simply their need for grace in a different area of their life that is bleeding into their church life.
God's desire is truth, over time, conveyed in a way that draws them to Christ as their sufficiency. I find myself in a hurry for people to "get it" rather than "grow in it". What convicts me regularly about the patience of Jesus and the humanity of the disciples are the accounts towards the end of His life (even the day before his death) where the disciples have got it all wrong and Jesus teaches them...again.
People will make their own choices and it is not an indictment against you. We can imperfectly pastor people with the help of Christ, teaching them over time, and they can still become or remain "unpastorable". They may say or do personally hurtful things. They may be used by the devil to unhelpfully influence susceptible Christians in the church. They may hurt your family. God knows and it has not changed His value of you nor have they been able to get "ANATHEMA" written over the door of Jesus' church.
Avoid the "soda straw" mentality. My younger kids enjoy looking through their soda straws at a restaurant. It is funny at a dinner table but awful as a pastoral ministry outlook. While some may bring grief to our souls for their resistance to God's work in their lives, we must be quick to be thankful for all those who are growing and thriving under pastoral care. For every vocal critic, there are many more growing in consecration.
The calling to teach truth, over time, to those who will and will not receive it is daunting and often draining. The devil has so many unhelpful thoughts he brings to us that must be put down with Scripture. While some may seem to remain in their unpastorable state, God's work is greater than just them.
Press on, with God's help, in pastoring all those whom He deems fit to allow into your stewardship and trust His continued work in the lives of those who have removed themselves from it.
Paul Norton
Lead Pastor, Faith Baptist Church, Beavercreek